Things to consider

Life is funny, all the time.

Here I am talking about how I'm being too tough on myself and need to relax but not sure how to do it because I get stuck in a rut and just allow myself to run with that self-hatred.

And I come back to the apartment from eating some very delicious Nepalese food to a letter from my Mom asking me to be gentle with myself. What a slap in the face. She knows what I've been through and how I become when things don't go the way I want them to go. Or how I become when I don't respond the way I want myself to respond in order to get what I want. She says "[Name Redacted] I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself" and at another point in the letter she says "Have you stopped to smell the roses? Every day devote time to being quiet--no sounds or distractions. Set a time if you need to just Breathe."
And I have done this for myself but I've been angry at myself for taking it instead of finishing my transfer request to attend these classes or for finding a better job or not being depressed.
Why aren't you happy!? I yell at myself.
No one can be happy 100 percent of the time and I don't think that's something I should vie for anymore considering the state of the world. This presidential election doesn't make me happy and that's okay.
What is it that I want in this moment, to cease my need to be on my phone. To stop using it as an escape from reality, to stop pretending it's benefiting me when I read an article after senseless scrolling for 15 minutes that I don't retain. I'm on snapchat and following links that discuss the Kardashian's boob jobs!! It's really upsetting me that I'm allowing myself to devolve like this. That I go on instagram and see my friends accomplishing their collegiate goals and I'm just looking at their photos online.
So I'm afraid of who I am when I'm alone. So is everyone at the end of the day, because those are the moments that remind us of our inevitable death.
In those moments I should take my mother's advice and just Breathe which is another word for Meditate. She hates it for some reason, it's synonymous to yoga in her mind which is just the Devil's handiwork because she is staunchly Catholic but whatever. I realize that I'm trying to be something great or monumental or super-heroic because that's what I think life needs.But what do I need? I need to give myself time to really feel comfortable here in Colorado, to be kind to myself and to feel good about this move. Because it's only been 2 weeks. Fuck.

If there weren't any more global issues to worry about and everyone made equal pay, had enough to eat and enough water to drink and rampant air and water pollution wasn't what drove me out of my hometown and animals weren't dying off at an alarming rate because of how we interact with the world--how would I live my life? Because these thoughts are what keeps me in a continuous state of "why even bother" try to rebuild my life? It's a sad prison I've built for myself. That the world has created.

So, I ask myself this, how would I interact with life if the world were perfect? I would sleep at 10 nightly, and stretch beforehand. I would wake at 6:45 daily and meditate, do some yoga, eat healthy, maybe workout, write my goals for the day and go off to work. Work But then I would write a book about my youthful adventures, I would create art pieces that reflected each chapter of my journey. I would write poems and personal essays, I would crochet and work towards creating a new piece weekly. I would try to sell my art, or at least give them away to my friends. I would think of myself as worthy of love and try to make new friends and go on dates and go to clubs on my own and just dance my worries away. (because inevitably something would come up) I would spend my money wisely and think before I went out to eat at least once a week ): I would go on hikes instead of driving into the city. I would go for a run every day and train to enter a marathon. I would volunteer at after school programs and have art projects and a meditative art curriculum to offer them. Keep art in schools.

I would grow my own herbs and tea. I would make my own herbal remedies because I would know how the body works, what it needs and what herbs work for certain ailments. I would laugh and have meaningful conversations with people. I wouldn't doubt my intelligence. I would play.

It's funny as I write this, I realize I have the books for most of what I've written down. I think it's important for me to fill my time with these books instead of senseless scrolling online and on my phone. Now to gently implement it into my life. Everytime I have the desire to scroll, I open a book instead? It worked when I quit smoking cigarettes and doing drugs.
In order to stop smoking cigarettes I drank water every time I had the urge to change the association in my mind. The reward center for my nicotine addiction was replaced with hydrating my body and I consciously thought about that.
When I was coming off of my drug days and feeling bad about myself and whether or not I damaged my brain irreparably I read books on neuroplasticity to help me relax and understand how the mind truly works which helped propel me to take college classes again in my hometown a year ago right before I took the cruise ship job.

It's about changing the focus of my mind, acknowledging the addictions and neural pathways and adjusting the flow.

I can do this.