In my last post I talked about reading books that might help me on my journey. There are so many books I've started and not finished. I'm going to list them here to act as a visual aid to hold myself accountable.
So Sad Today
I am Malala
Che a biography by Fidel Castro
The Slow Regard of Silent Things
The Atlantic article on ISIS
Candy wrapped Kalashnikovs
Mexican American folklore
Bone-Coda
Last Chain on Billie
The Satanic Verses
Caliban's War Book 2 of the Expanse series
Complete Collection of HP Lovecraft tales
A Clash of Kings
The Martian
The Brain's Way of Healing
On the Move: A Life
Meditation and the Brain-How Modern Science is proving two thousand year old wisdom
Conquering PTSD: The Newest Techniques for getting your life back
Mind Sculpture
The Brain that Changes itself
Rewire your Brain
The Elegant Universe
Love and Math
Writing Down the Bones
One Year to a Writing life
As you can see I have a touch of the ADD when it comes to books, but I envision if I continue to read them I'll feel better about myself. As my confidence rises every time I go to the gym, I perceive my sense of self worth increasing as I finally finish what I've started. I will be good to close the chapter in my life where I was flakey. I'll feel more productive as I read and it will keep my mind occupied enough that hopefully I won't think about the negatives of the past and instead appreciate the present. Plus I'll be learning, how great is that. Additionally it will be a good idea to write about the books and how they impact me, it will help me to think critically again and prepare me for college life once more.
25 Books to go,
Challenge Accepted!
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Things to consider
Life is funny, all the time.
Here I am talking about how I'm being too tough on myself and need to relax but not sure how to do it because I get stuck in a rut and just allow myself to run with that self-hatred.
And I come back to the apartment from eating some very delicious Nepalese food to a letter from my Mom asking me to be gentle with myself. What a slap in the face. She knows what I've been through and how I become when things don't go the way I want them to go. Or how I become when I don't respond the way I want myself to respond in order to get what I want. She says "[Name Redacted] I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself" and at another point in the letter she says "Have you stopped to smell the roses? Every day devote time to being quiet--no sounds or distractions. Set a time if you need to just Breathe."
And I have done this for myself but I've been angry at myself for taking it instead of finishing my transfer request to attend these classes or for finding a better job or not being depressed.
Why aren't you happy!? I yell at myself.
No one can be happy 100 percent of the time and I don't think that's something I should vie for anymore considering the state of the world. This presidential election doesn't make me happy and that's okay.
What is it that I want in this moment, to cease my need to be on my phone. To stop using it as an escape from reality, to stop pretending it's benefiting me when I read an article after senseless scrolling for 15 minutes that I don't retain. I'm on snapchat and following links that discuss the Kardashian's boob jobs!! It's really upsetting me that I'm allowing myself to devolve like this. That I go on instagram and see my friends accomplishing their collegiate goals and I'm just looking at their photos online.
So I'm afraid of who I am when I'm alone. So is everyone at the end of the day, because those are the moments that remind us of our inevitable death.
In those moments I should take my mother's advice and just Breathe which is another word for Meditate. She hates it for some reason, it's synonymous to yoga in her mind which is just the Devil's handiwork because she is staunchly Catholic but whatever. I realize that I'm trying to be something great or monumental or super-heroic because that's what I think life needs.But what do I need? I need to give myself time to really feel comfortable here in Colorado, to be kind to myself and to feel good about this move. Because it's only been 2 weeks. Fuck.
If there weren't any more global issues to worry about and everyone made equal pay, had enough to eat and enough water to drink and rampant air and water pollution wasn't what drove me out of my hometown and animals weren't dying off at an alarming rate because of how we interact with the world--how would I live my life? Because these thoughts are what keeps me in a continuous state of "why even bother" try to rebuild my life? It's a sad prison I've built for myself. That the world has created.
So, I ask myself this, how would I interact with life if the world were perfect? I would sleep at 10 nightly, and stretch beforehand. I would wake at 6:45 daily and meditate, do some yoga, eat healthy, maybe workout, write my goals for the day and go off to work. Work But then I would write a book about my youthful adventures, I would create art pieces that reflected each chapter of my journey. I would write poems and personal essays, I would crochet and work towards creating a new piece weekly. I would try to sell my art, or at least give them away to my friends. I would think of myself as worthy of love and try to make new friends and go on dates and go to clubs on my own and just dance my worries away. (because inevitably something would come up) I would spend my money wisely and think before I went out to eat at least once a week ): I would go on hikes instead of driving into the city. I would go for a run every day and train to enter a marathon. I would volunteer at after school programs and have art projects and a meditative art curriculum to offer them. Keep art in schools.
I would grow my own herbs and tea. I would make my own herbal remedies because I would know how the body works, what it needs and what herbs work for certain ailments. I would laugh and have meaningful conversations with people. I wouldn't doubt my intelligence. I would play.
It's funny as I write this, I realize I have the books for most of what I've written down. I think it's important for me to fill my time with these books instead of senseless scrolling online and on my phone. Now to gently implement it into my life. Everytime I have the desire to scroll, I open a book instead? It worked when I quit smoking cigarettes and doing drugs.
In order to stop smoking cigarettes I drank water every time I had the urge to change the association in my mind. The reward center for my nicotine addiction was replaced with hydrating my body and I consciously thought about that.
When I was coming off of my drug days and feeling bad about myself and whether or not I damaged my brain irreparably I read books on neuroplasticity to help me relax and understand how the mind truly works which helped propel me to take college classes again in my hometown a year ago right before I took the cruise ship job.
It's about changing the focus of my mind, acknowledging the addictions and neural pathways and adjusting the flow.
I can do this.
Here I am talking about how I'm being too tough on myself and need to relax but not sure how to do it because I get stuck in a rut and just allow myself to run with that self-hatred.
And I come back to the apartment from eating some very delicious Nepalese food to a letter from my Mom asking me to be gentle with myself. What a slap in the face. She knows what I've been through and how I become when things don't go the way I want them to go. Or how I become when I don't respond the way I want myself to respond in order to get what I want. She says "[Name Redacted] I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself" and at another point in the letter she says "Have you stopped to smell the roses? Every day devote time to being quiet--no sounds or distractions. Set a time if you need to just Breathe."
And I have done this for myself but I've been angry at myself for taking it instead of finishing my transfer request to attend these classes or for finding a better job or not being depressed.
Why aren't you happy!? I yell at myself.
No one can be happy 100 percent of the time and I don't think that's something I should vie for anymore considering the state of the world. This presidential election doesn't make me happy and that's okay.
What is it that I want in this moment, to cease my need to be on my phone. To stop using it as an escape from reality, to stop pretending it's benefiting me when I read an article after senseless scrolling for 15 minutes that I don't retain. I'm on snapchat and following links that discuss the Kardashian's boob jobs!! It's really upsetting me that I'm allowing myself to devolve like this. That I go on instagram and see my friends accomplishing their collegiate goals and I'm just looking at their photos online.
So I'm afraid of who I am when I'm alone. So is everyone at the end of the day, because those are the moments that remind us of our inevitable death.
In those moments I should take my mother's advice and just Breathe which is another word for Meditate. She hates it for some reason, it's synonymous to yoga in her mind which is just the Devil's handiwork because she is staunchly Catholic but whatever. I realize that I'm trying to be something great or monumental or super-heroic because that's what I think life needs.But what do I need? I need to give myself time to really feel comfortable here in Colorado, to be kind to myself and to feel good about this move. Because it's only been 2 weeks. Fuck.
If there weren't any more global issues to worry about and everyone made equal pay, had enough to eat and enough water to drink and rampant air and water pollution wasn't what drove me out of my hometown and animals weren't dying off at an alarming rate because of how we interact with the world--how would I live my life? Because these thoughts are what keeps me in a continuous state of "why even bother" try to rebuild my life? It's a sad prison I've built for myself. That the world has created.
So, I ask myself this, how would I interact with life if the world were perfect? I would sleep at 10 nightly, and stretch beforehand. I would wake at 6:45 daily and meditate, do some yoga, eat healthy, maybe workout, write my goals for the day and go off to work. Work But then I would write a book about my youthful adventures, I would create art pieces that reflected each chapter of my journey. I would write poems and personal essays, I would crochet and work towards creating a new piece weekly. I would try to sell my art, or at least give them away to my friends. I would think of myself as worthy of love and try to make new friends and go on dates and go to clubs on my own and just dance my worries away. (because inevitably something would come up) I would spend my money wisely and think before I went out to eat at least once a week ): I would go on hikes instead of driving into the city. I would go for a run every day and train to enter a marathon. I would volunteer at after school programs and have art projects and a meditative art curriculum to offer them. Keep art in schools.
I would grow my own herbs and tea. I would make my own herbal remedies because I would know how the body works, what it needs and what herbs work for certain ailments. I would laugh and have meaningful conversations with people. I wouldn't doubt my intelligence. I would play.
It's funny as I write this, I realize I have the books for most of what I've written down. I think it's important for me to fill my time with these books instead of senseless scrolling online and on my phone. Now to gently implement it into my life. Everytime I have the desire to scroll, I open a book instead? It worked when I quit smoking cigarettes and doing drugs.
In order to stop smoking cigarettes I drank water every time I had the urge to change the association in my mind. The reward center for my nicotine addiction was replaced with hydrating my body and I consciously thought about that.
When I was coming off of my drug days and feeling bad about myself and whether or not I damaged my brain irreparably I read books on neuroplasticity to help me relax and understand how the mind truly works which helped propel me to take college classes again in my hometown a year ago right before I took the cruise ship job.
It's about changing the focus of my mind, acknowledging the addictions and neural pathways and adjusting the flow.
I can do this.
Day One
Here I am in a new city with unbounded potential although I'm not sure if city is the best term to describe my current living situation. Boasting a sizable 6,000 this town in the mountains is focused on attracting tourists and selling unnecessary baubles. Now I use the term "bauble" lightly, truthfully they sell more than ornaments but also truthfully you don't really need any of what they sell here. Not really, people come here to be with their family in the beautiful vastness of Colorado, right, not to purchase overpriced authentic "Native American" jewelry that doesn't have the certificate of authentication each Native American artist must place on their works to show the whiteman that a real human whose ancestors lived through the worst genocide this side of North America created it with their hands.
Or maybe its just the icing on the cake that white people get to enjoy salt water taffy, rocky mountain chocolate, ice cream and ethnic vendors in a gorgeous environment.
Why am I so cynical, because of one terrible moment in my life that has colored my glasses from a rosy hue to one of pure darkness.
I say darkness and yet this life compares not to those who have experienced true horrors. I digress, it's been happening a lot lately. I want to make a difference in this world, I want to be apart of the wonderful conversations taking place about race, lgbtq rights, humanitarian aid, new ways to treat depression, black lives matter, stopping climate change, saving the fucking animals and yet here I am being an angsty 26 year old living in a tourist town in Colorado complaining about one bad mistake and how it has forever changed me and really just victimizing myself. Yes I have taken responsibility for my actions and I have worked hard to overcome the bullshit but it all came crumbling down when my sister attempted suicide last year. But I can't blame it on her, how fucking terrible would that be--diverting my responsibilities onto a helpless 16 year old who felt the world was too heavy for her to carry anymore. So in order to be responsible about it, I just couldn't handle trying to bring others back to life when I so terribly still felt broken.
Then I had an affair and that was fucked up. I wanted someone to tell me they loved me and remind me that I am special. But that was not the healthiest way to achieve that goal. Nope not at all.
And like a fool I tried to follow him once they left my hometown and I took a job on a cruise ship that traversed Alaska's southeast passage, Costa Rica, Panama, and Baja California.
Pretty cool right? It took me about a month but I finally was able to let go of my angst and be present in these fucking beautiful parts of the world. How lucky was I? And yet I still defined my self worth on one shitty mistake. Although working on that ship with those beautiful people helped me realize I wasn't alone in what I deemed "fucking stupid".
They've been through similar shit as well, and I loved them for it. So why couldn't I love myself for the same? I finished the 6 month contract sad and simultaneously elated for it to be over. Because of course I thought with my vagina and my delusory mind and created a weird situation with another human. Because of course, I still hate myself so why wouldn't I put myself through a challenging situation like that? It isn't that bad, so why can't I let it go?
But nonetheless happy to be free I was back in my hometown and for a month I sulked and dragged my feet at how shitty my life felt. I was in the central valley of California and the contrast between Alaska's pristine air and California's filled with pollution from fraking was extremely difficult.
So I made the move to Colorado and it's been two weeks.
What have I done?
Been addicted to my phone and hating myself for it.
I thought I'd be happy once I was on my own, living my life and in the state I've wanted to live in since 2012. But no, I'm being really ridiculous because it's not the town of my desire and I don't have a degree to do any meaningful work and at the end of it I don't think I'm actually capable of accomplishing real work. I don't think I'm smart enough. How fucked up of me to view myself this way?
I'm dragging my feet and comparing myself to my peers who have graduated and live the lives they want.
When has that ever worked for anyone?
Never.
So this blog is to keep me in check.
I start my new job tomorrow, I'm a front desk agent at a lodge. I'm nervous because I don't want to bring my hateful energy to the place but fuck I just need to be present.
Practice mindfulness like my therapist said.
Get over this hump. I'm so annoyed with myself. How do I keep myself from picking up my phone, create a new pathway for that desire. What is my desire, to feel fulfilled.
I'm forcing myself to read about socialism, maybe Che Guevera's experiences can teach me something important about life. I hope so.
Until next time, fare well.
Or maybe its just the icing on the cake that white people get to enjoy salt water taffy, rocky mountain chocolate, ice cream and ethnic vendors in a gorgeous environment.
Why am I so cynical, because of one terrible moment in my life that has colored my glasses from a rosy hue to one of pure darkness.
I say darkness and yet this life compares not to those who have experienced true horrors. I digress, it's been happening a lot lately. I want to make a difference in this world, I want to be apart of the wonderful conversations taking place about race, lgbtq rights, humanitarian aid, new ways to treat depression, black lives matter, stopping climate change, saving the fucking animals and yet here I am being an angsty 26 year old living in a tourist town in Colorado complaining about one bad mistake and how it has forever changed me and really just victimizing myself. Yes I have taken responsibility for my actions and I have worked hard to overcome the bullshit but it all came crumbling down when my sister attempted suicide last year. But I can't blame it on her, how fucking terrible would that be--diverting my responsibilities onto a helpless 16 year old who felt the world was too heavy for her to carry anymore. So in order to be responsible about it, I just couldn't handle trying to bring others back to life when I so terribly still felt broken.
Then I had an affair and that was fucked up. I wanted someone to tell me they loved me and remind me that I am special. But that was not the healthiest way to achieve that goal. Nope not at all.
And like a fool I tried to follow him once they left my hometown and I took a job on a cruise ship that traversed Alaska's southeast passage, Costa Rica, Panama, and Baja California.
Pretty cool right? It took me about a month but I finally was able to let go of my angst and be present in these fucking beautiful parts of the world. How lucky was I? And yet I still defined my self worth on one shitty mistake. Although working on that ship with those beautiful people helped me realize I wasn't alone in what I deemed "fucking stupid".
They've been through similar shit as well, and I loved them for it. So why couldn't I love myself for the same? I finished the 6 month contract sad and simultaneously elated for it to be over. Because of course I thought with my vagina and my delusory mind and created a weird situation with another human. Because of course, I still hate myself so why wouldn't I put myself through a challenging situation like that? It isn't that bad, so why can't I let it go?
But nonetheless happy to be free I was back in my hometown and for a month I sulked and dragged my feet at how shitty my life felt. I was in the central valley of California and the contrast between Alaska's pristine air and California's filled with pollution from fraking was extremely difficult.
So I made the move to Colorado and it's been two weeks.
What have I done?
Been addicted to my phone and hating myself for it.
I thought I'd be happy once I was on my own, living my life and in the state I've wanted to live in since 2012. But no, I'm being really ridiculous because it's not the town of my desire and I don't have a degree to do any meaningful work and at the end of it I don't think I'm actually capable of accomplishing real work. I don't think I'm smart enough. How fucked up of me to view myself this way?
I'm dragging my feet and comparing myself to my peers who have graduated and live the lives they want.
When has that ever worked for anyone?
Never.
So this blog is to keep me in check.
I start my new job tomorrow, I'm a front desk agent at a lodge. I'm nervous because I don't want to bring my hateful energy to the place but fuck I just need to be present.
Practice mindfulness like my therapist said.
Get over this hump. I'm so annoyed with myself. How do I keep myself from picking up my phone, create a new pathway for that desire. What is my desire, to feel fulfilled.
I'm forcing myself to read about socialism, maybe Che Guevera's experiences can teach me something important about life. I hope so.
Until next time, fare well.
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